Tomorrow is a big day, one of those milestone days that parents look forward to with hope and dread following the birth of their child. Tomorrow is the first day of kindergarten and the feelings of hope and dread are very different than the ones I thought I’d be feeling.

On the eve of him starting kindergarten, the dread I feel is an irrational fear. It’s not one of fear that my son is growing up, or that he’ll be spending the entire day at school, or whether he’ll be able to make friends and fit in. My fear stems more from how other kids will react to him, or how they might treat him. You see my son is not like every other kid his age. He has a language acquisition delay. He’s been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and with it all the baggage and limitations that come along with the label in people’s eyes.

Last Friday we were invited to go to his school to attend lemonade day. It’s a day where parents are invited to bring their child to school so they can get familiarized with the school, classroom and the teacher. One of the activities that they had all the students do was to measure their height and weight and write it down on a piece of paper along with their names. The students were also encouraged to decorate their piece of paper by colouring the apples on the page. I observed a couple of kids expertly write their names and the numbers on their piece of paper and expertly colour within the lines. When it came time for my son to fill in his paper, he instinctually started scribbling on his sheet drawing the attention of his peers.

My fear is that his peers won’t understand that his pace is different than theirs. That his lack of conversation isn’t that he’s being rude, he just doesn’t know any better yet. That him not waiting his turn or surpassing his allocated time with a toy isn’t him trying to be unfair with them but more just the reality of where he is in his development.

I’m not sad about his condition. Since his birth and everyday thereafter he brings me happiness, joy and contentment unlike anything I have known before or even thought possible. I am and remain thankful for the blessing of having him in my life. I’m concerned and fearful of the outside world, the world I can’t control, the world that will not be as accepting of him, the potential bullying that he potentially faces.

As a parent we all want the best for our kids, to give them every advantage possible that will help them be successful in life. One of the main reasons behind our decision to move to San Francisco was access to additional services that could potentially get him the help he needed.

On the eve of his first day of kindergarten, I’m also filled with incredible hope about the program that he’s going to participate in. He’ll be given access to a trained staff of teachers, tools and resources that’s designed to help him learn and improve his communication skills at his pace. The hope I feel is that this is the next step in potentially having a non-binary conversation with my son.